A Profound Mystery

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Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ!

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, His body, and is Himself its Savior. Now as the Church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”

So begins the famous passage in Ephesians about the blessed estate of marriage. Wives are to submit to their husbands in everything. This, of course, has led to all sorts of reactions—from snickers to cries of derision—as the world accuses Christians of seeking to subjugate women to a lesser role in life.

It’s a strange accusation, even without exploring the Scriptures further. An unbiased look at world history would show that Christianity has done more to elevate the status of women in society than any other factor. Consider the plight of women in Hindu India who may be disfigured or killed for falling in love with the wrong man. Consider a woman who lives under Islamic sharia law, where her husband has every right to treat her as property and she has no rights at all.

But even more than the sociological arguments, it would be helpful if those who criticize Christianity and the Bible would actually read what the Bible has to say. For instance, verse 24: “Now as the Church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” That’s the key: the wives are to submit to their husbands as the Church submits to Christ.

But what does this mean?

Well, every time we gather here for worship—be it Sunday morning or Wednesday night or chapel on Monday morning or a wedding or a funeral, we pray the Lord’s Prayer. In that prayer, we pray the petition, “Thy will be done.”

Gathered here in the presence of the Lord, we make clear that we’re not here to get our way, to tell Him what to do. We don’t pray, “Our will be done, and make it snappy!” Rather, we pray, “Thy will be done.” In other words, we submit. We’re not here to compel the Savior to act according to our desires, but we submit ourselves to His will. Thanks be to God that His will for us is that we be forgiven, strengthened in faith, and given eternal life.

Wives are to submit to their husbands as the Church submits to Christ. In other words, a wife enters into marriage not to get her way but to serve her beloved husband. Her marriage vows do not declare, “I take you to be my husband so that you can do what I tell you to do.” Instead, those solemn pledges declare that she is freely entering into marriage to serve her husband, to care for him, and to look out for his welfare… for better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health; until death parts them.

So, let the world sneer that this is chauvinistic treatment of women. We respond with a couple of essential points. First, God has created each of us to serve in whatever stations He has given us. For a bride to pledge submission is to say, “God has made me a servant, and I will be a servant in marriage, too.”

Second, we ought to point out that this places significant responsibility on the husband. Rather than act like some schlub who never gets off his backside, he should be doing his best to honor his bride’s commitment to him.

This leads us to the following instructions… for husbands.

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” So, the instructions for husbands begin in the text. Once again, the critics of the church started jumping. “See, we told you what those Christians are like! They force the woman to serve, but all the husband is supposed to do is love her.”

This sounds like a reasonable argument because the world has completely messed up the definition of love. So, we must take a brief detour and explain love.

What is love? When I talk to couples looking to get married, I define “love” with two words—“hard work.” Love is hard work. It’s sacrifice. It’s constant service to somebody else without regard for their ability or willingness to repay in kind.

If you’ve ever raised kids, you know this: babies are hard work. They can’t do anything for themselves. You’ve got to feed them, burp them, change them, carry them from place to place… the list goes on and on. Parenting is hard work, twenty-four hours a day and seven days a week. It can be exhausting, thankless labor. And that is precisely why parents love their children so much. Love is hard work, and the more work you put into loving someone, the more you will be willing to serve and sacrifice for them.

This is why—one of the reasons why, anyway—the world’s idea of marriage is so wrong. It reduces love to a feeling that is precisely the opposite of true love. You see, where true love says, “I pledge my faithfulness and will work hard to serve you,” the world’s idea of love says, “I’ll stick with you as long as I feel like you’re serving me enough.”

See the difference? True love is selfless. False love is selfish. (That is, by the way, a fundamental problem with living together apart from marriage: by definition, cohabitation is not a lifelong commitment of service but a temporary arrangement of convenience.)

We now return from our brief detour to speak of husbands once again: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. Ponder that, if you will. How has Christ loved the Church? As the text says, “[He] gave Himself up for her—gave Himself up to death.

Although He is the sinless Son of God, begotten of the Father from eternity, Christ didn’t become incarnate to plop down on a throne and say, “From now on, you’ll be serving Me.” The almighty second person of the Trinity instead bore all your sins and all your diseases to the cross, died on it to suffer God’s wrath for your sins, and rose again on the third day to give you life.

Setting aside that Gospel proclamation for the moment (but only for a moment), we pause to ask: “What does this mean for the vocation of husband?” It means that husbands are to love their wives by serving them, sacrificing for them, and ensuring they are cared for. A husband’s vows do not say, “I take you to be my wife so that you can wait on me hand and foot while I do what I want to do and go where I want to go when I want to go.”

By those solemn pledges, the husband promises to his wife that he is entering that covenant to put her needs first, to serve her and look out for her welfare… for better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health; until death parts them.

Do you see the key to a happy marriage? It’s mutual, continual service to one another. It involves every aspect of marriage: where to live, where to vacation, finances, intimacy, in-laws, and work around the house. The key to a happy marriage is always working hard to ensure the other is okay. As I tell couples before their wedding day: “You know that your marriage is in pretty good shape when your biggest fight is, “No, honey, we’re going to do it your way—not mine.”

It’s simple. But it’s not easy. Ever since Adam and Eve shared that bite of fruit in the Garden, selfless service hasn’t been the norm. Each one is born a sinner, so each one is born selfish. Selfishness is the primary killer in marriages. And whenever a husband or wife says, “I’m going to look out for me before I look out for you or us,” you know that trouble is coming.

It’s always tempting to plow ahead in a mistake rather than say, “I was wrong. I’m sorry.” It’s easy to save ammo for the next fight rather than say, “I forgive you.” It’s not just marriage, either, but any relationship. Think of parents who selfishly live their lives and ignore their kids—the boss who looks only at the bottom line and not the welfare of his employees. Please think of the commander who ignores the welfare of his troops. Think of a friendship when one friend doesn’t have time for the other. And make no mistake: it’s far more natural for you and me to be selfish than for us to be sacrificial.

And don’t forget the bigger picture. As much as selfishness haunts and damages relationships between people, it condemns you for eternity. It’s that selfish, old, sinful nature that chooses your ways over God’s will—that’s what earns you judgment forever.

That’s why, after all this talk about marriage and relationships, you rejoice to hear St. Paul declare that he’s not merely giving a few pointers for Christians to enjoy happy marriages but is pointing to a greater truth: “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the Church” (Ephesians 5:32).

St. Paul says that marriage is a mystery… a profound mystery! He doesn’t mean this to be humorous as if to say that husband and wife are incomprehensible to each other. Neither is he talking about something dark or mysterious, something impossible to understand. Instead, he refers to something that needs explanation, something we couldn’t ever have figured out by ourselves. But when it’s explained, it becomes clear and understandable.

The “mystery” that Paul speaks of is not primarily about marriage unifying husband and wife into one. No, his thoughts have swung back to Christ and the Church. The real mystery is the one-way love of Christ. He redeemed weak and worthless sinners and gathered them into a Church to be His holy Bride. He is her head; she is His body. So closely are the two joined into one.

A metaphor from computer technology might help us understand the reflection of this mystery in marriage. Those familiar with the computer icon will know that when you click on an icon, it reveals the program to which it is attached. Marriage is such an icon that reveals God’s program. When you “click” on marriage, you see the deeper reality of the relationship between Christ and those who are His people, wed to Him in love and trust. As Luther once said: “It is an outward and spiritual sign of the greatest, holiest, worthiest, and noblest thing that has ever existed or ever will exist.”

To put it even more clearly, when you look more deeply into marriage, what you see is not just two people committed to one another for life but also a model of God’s commitment to us for life. As man and woman have become one in marriage, God has made us one with Himself in Jesus Christ. If there would ever be a divorcing of the marriage bond between God and us, it would not be due to unfaithfulness on God’s part but on ours. And if the marriage between God and His people continues, it is because of His faithfulness to us and His willingness to forgive our unfaithfulness. Someday, we will join Him in the wedding reception that goes on forever.

Marriage is a performance on earth of a heavenly reality lived out forever with God. Marriage is the sign, the mystery, and the icon that reveals to the faithful that we are one flesh with God for all eternity. This is why marriage cannot be whatever a society wants. This is why marriage is only what God has made it to be. The singularity of male and female in the unity of the one-flesh marriage union bears witness to God as the maker of all things, even our salvation.

The Church is the Bride of Christ, and Christ is the Bridegroom. Whether you’re a man or a woman, as part of God's people, you are Christ’s Bride.

Therefore, this is true for you: Christ also loved you so much that He gave Himself for you, crucified in your place on that cross. Risen again, He has sanctified you and cleansed you with the washing of water by the Word in your Baptism. When you sin daily and much, returning to your selfish ways, He does not abandon you. The eternal Son of God has pledged His faithfulness to you: For better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health; forever! “Surely I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

Because you are His, the Lord Jesus now cherishes you, feeding you with His Word and Supper. Because He has already sacrificed Himself in your place, you have no spot or wrinkle or any such thing before Him. You’re holy and without blemish.

And on that Day of Resurrection, you are not a bystander at the marriage feast of the Lamb. You’re the bride of Christ, whom your Savior presents to Himself for eternity. That is how much your Savior treasures you. And no wonder! He’s already given Himself up for you to make it so.

So, to husbands and wives: love and submit. Serve one another. Be sure to confess and forgive one another, for that is an essential part of service. And to all the people of God (of whatever age and gender, for you are all the bride of Christ): serve one another. Repent of selfishness daily, where you’ve failed to live as the servants God has created you to be. Confess those sins, and rejoice: your Bridegroom, Jesus Christ, remains the loving Servant forever and pledges you His faithfulness: You are forgiven for all your sins.

In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.