Win Your Brother Over

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“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over” (Matthew 18:15).

Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ!

Let’s have a show of hands. How many of you enjoy confrontation? No hands. That’s what I was expecting to see. Most people, unless they’re a sociopath, do not like to confront others. People who enjoy confrontation should be disqualified from doing so. They will never do it in the right spirit of love.

Nevertheless, somewhere along the line it may become necessary to talk to others about their shortcomings. Although we should be willing to overlook minor offenses, there are some problems that will only grow worse if they are not dealt with properly in a straightforward way as Jesus urges us to do in our text. The following story illustrates this truth in a more personal way.

Larry irritated almost every person in the school. He continually made fun of other people, often in embarrassing ways. He was quick to criticize others, but easily offended when someone found fault with him. For some reason, he seemed to pick more on Janet than on anyone else. Whenever she walked into the teacher’s lounge, Larry would say something sarcastic to or about her. Janet found herself avoiding the lounge whenever she thought he might be there.

Janet, who had been a Christian for several years, was especially troubled by the fact that Larry openly claimed to be a Christian. She was particularly distressed by the effect Larry’s behavior was having on Carol, another teacher to whom Janet had been witnessing for over a year. The more Carol was repelled by Larry’s behavior, the less open she was to Christianity. “If that’s what it means to be a Christian, no thanks,” she said to another teacher one day. “The people I meet at the bar are more decent than he is!”

Janet had already confronted Larry several times about his conduct. Unfortunately, since she did it without thinking, usually after he had just offended her, her words were often angry and sarcastic. This only made Larry defensive and always led to an argument, after which they would both walk away fuming.

Realizing the damage that was being done by their conflict, Janet asked her pastor for help on how to deal with the problem. After discussing ways that she could please and honor the Lord through this situation, they considered where she had been at fault. Then they carefully planned how she could talk with Larry in a more constructive manner. Finally, they prayed the Lord would give each of them grace to resolve their differences in a way that would please and honor Him.

The next morning, Janet arrived at school early enough to talk with Larry before any of his students arrived. After telling him she was concerned about the argument they had had earlier that week, she asked if he would have some time to meet her in a spare office at 3:30 p.m.

When they met later in the office, Larry was obviously nervous and defensive. Janet put him at ease by explaining what she hoped to accomplish through their meeting. She also admitted that she had behaved poorly and asked his forgiveness for losing her temper and saying hurtful things to him in the past. He said, “That’s okay. I know I can be sort of abrasive at times.”

Instead of settling for this superficial repentance, Janet graciously went on to tell Larry how his conduct was affecting her, other people, and their Christian witness. Larry became defensive again and tried to excuse his behavior.

Having already planned how to respond to that tactic, Janet was prepared to give Larry specific examples of sinful words he had said. She also appealed to him regarding his Christian witness. Instead of getting angry or harsh, she kept her voice under control and continued to express her concern for Larry and her desire to do what would please and honor the Lord. While they talked, she continued to pray silently that God would give her loving, gentle words to say and that God would help Larry to see the truth about himself.

After forty-five minutes of tense conversation, Larry began to soften. He admitted that his behavior was sinful and agreed that he needed to change. He went on to tell Janet that he had always had trouble getting along with people. Being sarcastic was his way of getting attention. Janet responded with understanding and shared some similar struggles in her own life. Both discussed several ways that they could help each other to overcome some of their harmful patterns.

Finally, after recognizing how his behavior had affected Carol, Larry decided that he needed to go to her and ask for forgiveness. When he did so later that day, Carol was astonished. Her wonder increased over the following weeks when she saw how much better Larry and Janet were getting along. Carol still hasn’t become a Christian, but her interest in talking about Christ has noticeably increased. Janet’s decision to confront her Christian brother in love not only won him over but also cleared the way for others to learn of Christ’s love.

While we can see the importance and benefit of going to a brother and showing him his fault just between the two of you, it is sometimes difficult to decide whether a sin is serious enough to call for confrontation. Here are a few questions that can help decide if the situation warrants this kind of attention.

1. Is it dishonoring God? Sin is too serious to overlook if it is likely to bring significant dishonor to God (Matthew 21:12-13). If someone who professes to be a Christian is behaving in such a way that others are likely to think less of God, of His Church, or of His Word, it may be necessary to confront that person and urge him or her to change behavior.

This doesn’t mean that we should call attention to every minor offense, for God Himself is patient and forbearing with much of what we do wrong. But when someone’s sin becomes open enough to affect a Christian witness obviously and significantly, it needs to be confronted. Larry and Janet would be an excellent example of this. Janet realized that Larry’s behavior was causing non-believers to think less of Christians and therefore of Christ, so she had to confront Larry about his actions and words.

2. Is it damaging your relationship? As a general rule, you should not overlook an offense that has significantly damaged your relationship with another person. If you are unable to forgive an offense—that is, if your feelings, thoughts, words, or actions toward another person have been altered for more than a brief period—the offense is too serious to overlook. Anything that has disrupted the peace and unity between two Christians must be talked over and made right.

3. Is it hurting others? An offense or disagreement is also too serious to overlook when it results in significant harm to you or others. This can happen in various ways. The offender may be hurting or imperiling others in a direct way (such as child abuse or drunken driving).

The person may also be setting an example that will encourage other Christians to behave in a similar sinful manner (such as living together before marriage). Knowing that “a little yeast works through the whole batch of dough,” Paul commands Christians to confront serious and open sin quickly and firmly to save other believers from being led astray (1 Corinthians 5:1-13).

An offense can also adversely affect others if it is made public and other Christians take sides. When the peace and unity of the church are threatened in this way, the underlying problem needs to be addressed before it causes serious division (Titus 3:10).

4. Is it hurting the offender? Sin needs to be confronted when it is seriously harming the offender, either by direct damage (such as alcohol or drug abuse) or by impaired relationships with God or other people (such as a lapse in church attendance or things like excessive gambling or addiction to pornography).

Looking out for the well-being of other Christians, especially those in your own family or congregation, is a serious responsibility. Unfortunately, because many Christians have adopted the world’s view that everyone should be allowed to “do his own thing,” some believers will do nothing, even when they see a brother or sister ensnared in serious sin. This is not the kind of love Jesus demonstrated, nor is it consistent with the clear teaching of Scripture: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over” (Matthew 18:15).

This is not a license to be a busybody or gossip. The Bible repeatedly warns us not to be eagerly looking for opportunities to point out the faults of others. In fact, such eagerness is often a sign of pride and spiritual immaturity, which cripple our ability to minister effectively to others (Galatians 5:22-6:2). No, the best confronters are usually people who would prefer not to have to talk to others about their sin but will do so only out of obedience to God and love for others.

At the other extreme from the busybodies are those who are reluctant to confront sin under any circumstances. They often point to Matthew 7:1 (“Do not judge, or you too will be judged”) and say that the Bible forbids us to pass judgment on how others live. However, when studied in its proper context, we find that the entire passage explains when and how confrontation should occur. A few verses later, Jesus says that if you first remove the log from your own eye, “you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:5). This unquestionably implies Christ’s approval of properly done confrontation.

Some people refuse to confront others because of this passage: “If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also” (Matthew 5:39). But this passage doesn’t forbid confrontation, either. Rather, it forbids people to take the law into their own hands and to seek vengeance against those who wrong them. This verse teaches that Christians should be willing to endure personal injury without retaliation when that injury comes as a direct result of their Christian witness. In normal daily living, however, Christians have the responsibility to lovingly confront serious sin, especially when it is found in a fellow believer.

Others avoid confrontation by saying, “Who am I to tell someone else what to do? I certainly don’t have my life perfectly in order.” While it is true that we have no right to force our personal opinions on other people, we do have a responsibility to encourage fellow believers to be faithful to God’s truth, contained in Scripture. Thus, if you believe that the Bible contains authoritative instruction from God, and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness (2 Timothy 3:16), and if you have a genuine love for God and your neighbor, you will not shirk your responsibility to confront that brother in appropriate ways to help him remain steadfast in the faith.

Another way to avoid confrontation is to say, “Isn’t it God’s job to show people where they are wrong?” It is true that God is the only one who can convict people of sin and change their hearts, which He does through the power of the Holy Spirit working through His means of grace. But God generally uses another person to bring that saving Word to us. He often uses another person to speak the Word of Law that a sinner needs to hear to see the need to repent. What better person to do that, than a Christian brother who loves us and wants the best for us?

We cannot change people on our own, but through loving confrontation we can be used by God to help people see where they have a problem with sin and to see their need for a Savior. That’s when they are ready to hear the Good News: Jesus has already confronted our greatest enemies for us. He won the victory over sin, death, and the devil that He might win us over as His brothers and co-heirs.

When we confess our sins, we are reassured of the Good News of the Gospel, and we receive the forgiveness that Christ won for us on the cross. Those who confess their sins, trusting in God for forgiveness, also confess their faith in Christ. God’s children understand that their worth is not in defending their own righteousness, but in knowing that Jesus paid the penalty of their sins, making them extremely precious to God and holy and righteous in His sight.

That is when confession and absolution become a true blessing. That is when we learn to live daily in our baptismal grace. That is when Christ’s body and blood brings us forgiveness and strengthens our faith rather than judgment and weakness. That is when we glorify God.

When I give God’s interests and commands top priority, I invariably see things more clearly and respond to problems more wisely. When my goal is to glorify God, when I remember that everyone, including my opponent, is a soul who was purchased with Christ’s holy, precious blood and His innocent suffering and death, I see the conflict in a completely different light. My opponent is no longer an enemy, but a brother to be won over for Christ. And, like you and me, he or she needs to hear these wonderful words: You are forgiven of all your sins.

In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, English Standard Version, copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.